Feeling Alone..

When You have had a new baby, things can get quite hectic between learning to care for this new little life, that is totally dependent on you, and the constant flow of visitors who flock to see the new arrival. But what happens then?

For the first month after Casi was born, everything was great. Friends and family were visiting often and there was always someone to talk to. Yes there was the odd day where I cried about the tiniest thing, but other than that and the exhaustion, I felt ok.

As time went on, less people were visiting and it even felt as though my partner was getting on with his own life. He works full time and gets on with the farm before and after work. This has been his routine since we first got together, and I knew what I was letting myself in for, but because i also loved farming, I was always in the thick of it with him, we were partners in crime. I also knew that while I was pregnant I wouldn’t be able to do half as much as what I used to, but I though that once I had Casi, that things would go back to normal…..Oh how naive.

I hate being stuck inside, and I tried to get out as much as I could. But Casi suffered badly with colic and I became afraid of leaving the house in case she screamed the place down. It drove me crazy!

Everyone else was in the middle of the harvest, and I was stuck inside with a mini version of myself who seemed hell bent on blowing my eardrums out. I hated myself for feeling some sort of resentment towards my daughter. Shouldn’t I want to spend every minute with my daughter? Did this make me a bad parent? I even started to resent my partner, because I felt like he could just walk out the door whenever he felt like it.

Eventually, after changing Casi’s formula and bottles, things became easier. And my mum was a life saver! We began going on little adventures once or twice a week, to the beach, to the local heritage railway or even to the coffee shop in town, where we would sit for hours and just people watch.

She taught me that it was okay for Casi to cry, it was what babies did. After all, she had four of them. The only person I was stressing was myself. It was okay to feel alone sometimes, it is part of being a new mum. It is a whole new world for anyone, and everyone learns eventually. Now Casi is older, she comes with me everywhere, even when i’m walking round the sheep. She has become my new partner in crime. I just have to adapt the situation to fit around us.



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