Some mothers are able to carry a baby for nine months, give birth, suffer the long sleepless nights whilst still recovering from something more exhausting than running ten marathons and then feel broody straight away… But not me.
Casi is eight months old now and I love her to bits. She has been a very good baby apart from those few weeks of colic. She has slept through the night almost straight away, she’s always happy and she isn’t a fussy eater. What more could I ask for? I can hear some of you saying “lucky bitch” already.
I also had a very good and healthy pregnancy, never any problems except for a touch of sciatica and the standard swollen ankles. I was even lucky enough to be able to work up until the week before she was due-which I’m very proud of as my job involves being on my feet for eight hours a day.
So now I have you thinking “I wish I would have had that” and “Why wouldn’t she want another one?”
But the truth is (and I’m ashamed to admit it) Im scared, in fact I’m terrified
My labour was long and complicated. Casi was back to back and had shoulder dystocia. Although I don’t remember much of the pain at the time, I do remember the alarms sounding and the rush of nurses and doctors flooding the room. They had to get Casi out and fast. I didn’t even get to hold her straight away because she had to be resuscitated. Before I even had a chance to enjoy holding her, I was being stitched up, they didn’t even wait for the anaesthetic to kick in. It was painful, i screamed more during that than i did through labour. While this was all going on, I had some stupid nurse think it was a good idea to try and latch Casi on to my breast. I was exhausted, stressed and in pain! I hadn’t even been able to enjoy that moment with my daughter yet and I just couldn’t do it. I felt so ashamed.
Afterwards on the ward, I spent five hours asking for some paracetamol. I was in so much pain after the stitches and i couldn’t even get some relief from it. I spent the next two days in a hospital bed still stained with blood from where I had bled through and no one came to change it. I was mortified when people came at visiting.
When I got home, I was so scared to even go pee, it hurt so much and i think I walked like John Wayne for the next three weeks!
I still suffer now from the scarring, sex is still very painful and all I keep thinking about is when i got the stitches, so I can never get in the mood. I try to put it off as much as I can (which has been a strain on our relationship) I have also suffered with a prolapse since Casi was born, and i’m scared of making it worse. Because of the shoulder dystocia, the doctors recommended that I should have a C-Section if I got pregnant again, which would mean more stitches.
Right now, I consider myself the luckiest person alive to have my daughter. I never thought it was possible to love like this. But I’m happy and content with the fact i have a happy, healthy, gorgeous little girl.
Maybe in a few years I might feel ready, but right now I need to focus on my daughter and getting over what happened before.