Yes… I’m a control freak

I am a control freak… I’ll admit it straight off. And when things don’t go to plan…. it feels as if my world will implode.

I’m the type of person who has to have things go exactly the way I plan. In my house, you will find endless lists on scraps of paper of everything I want to do for the following day and even the time I plan to do them. You could say I’m just very organised but you see, it’s not that simple. If I don’t have a plan for the day, i feel as if everything could go wrong, that something bad will happen and i don’t end up leaving the house. These lists are compiled to help me get things done, to keep busy because then i will feel better knowing i have accomplished tasks. Even if it’s just to put the washing on the line, my mood is instantly lifted. You could say it’s a coping mechanism.

But what about the days where I plan to do the washing at say 9am, but my daughter decides she wants an extra slice of toast? obviously she has to have that, but that means I’m 15 mins later putting the washing on. That to me, means things haven’t gone to plan. And that means my entire day has been messed up.

This may sound very crazy to some of you, but there are reasons for it. In the past 8 years or so, I have had a few life changing events occur. Things that are out of my control, people have died before their time, family arguments and unexpected illnesses etc. You could call it life, but they are things I couldn’t help and have felt helpless about and the only way to deal with it is to have control of how my day goes and to keep busy.

I am learning slowly how to deal with changes that i can’t do anything about and to stop worrying so much about what could happen. But it is a slow process. The most important thing is to talk.

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